Bad Movie Monday: Adamantium Memory Bullet
Oh, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, your overlong title is only the first of your many many problems. The phrase “Wolverine fights a helicopter” should clue you in that this at least approached the big budget bad movie thrills one hopes for from this sort of train wreck, but it also means enduring the most wilting pansy origin for a super-hero name I have ever seen.
I have such distaste for the film that I shall use Comic Sans in my humorous image, just out of spite.
There are a million places online where you can read scathing reviews of this film, so I’ll be brief. Here are 4 things I learned from X-Men Origins: Wolverine
1) No man, no matter how long and pretty his fingernails, nor how many HBO sports specials he narrates, will ever look cool bounding on all fours across a battlefield. He will look stupid.
2) If Ryan Reynolds is in your movie, pay him more money and keep him onscreen for as long as humanly possible. He is the best thing about your film. (see also)
Computer graphics approximately equivalent to those in X-Men Origins:Wolverine
3) Whenever someone says “We can’t let you walk away,” what they actually mean is “I am about to totally let you walk away, but several years from now there will be some repercussions for this!”
As a fan of comic books and the X-Men, and sort of Wolverine, there is only one thing I can commend the film on. They truly nailed that thing that stupid team-up comics always do, where the heroes meet, and fight for no reason, and then decide to fight the bad guy together. This happens at least three times. It might actually apply to every single fight scene, but to be sure I would have to watch it again, and I won’t.
I just don’t understand why you had to make this particular Wolverine movie, instead of one where he fights ninjas, or where Robot Wolverine befriends a little girl named Elsie Dee (get it?) who is a bomb.
BAD-BAD <————X——–———–> FUN-BAD
Characters you care about: 1 (Ryan Reynolds)
Bullets sliced in half: 1 (by Ryan Reynolds)
Drinking requirement to enjoy: Heavy
Available on: All over the goddamn place
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One Response:
January 27th, 2010 at 10:03 am
I liked it. But then again I knew going in I’d have to dumb myself down quite a bit, and I did. I’d have to err more on the side of “Fun-Bad.”