Bunny Blog

But not this Zombie Cop.

Dead Heat stars Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo as two cops who have comically different styles and an angry black police Captain.  Can you feel the originality oozing off of this movie like the oil off of Piscopo’s arms?  Can you?  You can when I tell you that Treat Williams gets murdered and brought back to life by a machine that nobody is nearly as amazed by as they should be.  That’s right, Zombie Cop!  And Zombie Treat only has 14 hours to “live” before his body degenerates and he dies for realsies.  Of course that means taking out the bad guys, including Vincent Price, and their crazy resurrecting machine.  This might not sound totally awesome to you, but let me assure you that this movie is TOTALLY AWESOME.

For no apparent reason, there is another resurrection machine hidden in the chandelier of a butcher shop.  But then it is revealed that the reason is so there can be an AWESOME SCENE where duck heads and decapitated cows fight our heroes.  If I ever get my hands on a resurrection machine, I am taking it straight to the butcher shop (sorry, recently deceased loved ones).  Also, Joe Piscopo is later killed and brought back and after the zombie cops defeat the villains they walk off into zombie cop heaven together.  Damn straight.  It’s like the end of Battlestar Galactica, but less terrible.

Oh yeah, did I forget to tell you that Zombie Treat’s character is named “Roger Mortis.”  He really should have known he had it coming. (more…)

Year One isn’t terrible, it just isn’t very good.  It has a few legitimately funny jokes, most of which (gasp) aren’t in the trailer.  What little narrative the movie has is based largely around bible stories, which I guess are all taking place concurrently, because hey, it’s Year One!  As a general rule for this film, Caveman Jokes are pretty funny, Bible Jokes are almost never funny.  It’s a shame, because from the poster you’d think this would primarily be a Caveman Joke movie.

YEAR ONE

BAD-BAD <——————–X———–> NOT-THAT-BAD

Actually really funny jokes: 3

Actually really funny Michael Cera jokes: 0

Actually really funny Caveman Jokes: 3

Scenes that just end with no resolution: 6

Years that Harold Ramis has been coasting on the success of Groundhog Day: 17

Oh, Chopping Mall.  How 8-year-old-me yearned to peek inside your VHS box of wonders and see what mayhem awaited.  Check out that sweet razor gauntlet!  And the back of the box says something about killer robots!  Sold!

This movie was originally titled Killbots, which is a more accurate, and frankly, more rad, title.  There isn’t really a serial killer per se, and in fact these robots don’t even have hands, or good production design.  What they do have are blades and lasers and electroshock devices suitable for murdering the group of crazy kids who might as well be spending the night in the Camp Crystal Lake Gift Emporium for all the difference it makes.  They wander into the woods, err, mall, hoping to spend the night, drink booze, get a little action, and accidentally awaken Jason, err, the robot security guards.  Ruh roh!  Somebody should have brought their razor gauntlets!

FUN FACT: Bad Movie All-Star John Terlesky, star of the trashy masterwork Deathstalker 2, has a smaller role in this film, and now directs episodes of Castle.  Way to go, John Terlesky!

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New Rose Hotel was recommended to me by a friend as “the worst movie I’ve ever seen.”  Now I know he was not kidding.  A movie featuring Willem Dafoe, Christopher Walken and Asia Argento based on a William Gibson story should not be this unwatchable.  Christopher Walken spends a lot of time dancing around, presumably because the director was too passed out from drug abuse to stop him.  Asia Argento sings a lot, which is the audio equivalent of saying that John Goodman has a lot of nude scenes.  All of this happens and yet nobody in the room could tell much of what was going on or why, and not even in the delightful drug haze way that Babylon AD achieves.  In fact, it was so bad that a group of people committed to watching a bad movie had to turn it off and switch to Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead. (more…)

It’s not a good sign when the best thing you can say about a movie is that it features that guy who played Eldin on Murphy Brown, and gives you some fond memories of that show, and how towards the end he was Murphy’s nanny. This, however, is the sad truth of Michael, part of John Travolta’s (Phenomenon, White Man’s Burden) successful project to squander his indie credibility from Pulp Fiction even faster than Uma Thurman (The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Batman & Robin).

An important plot point is that Michael, much like Spawn, only has a finite amount of mystical powers and can run them down, making himself sicker, as he does good deeds.  If you do not immediately see where this is going, you have never seen a movie ever in your whole life. (more…)

Oh, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, your overlong title is only the first of your many many problems.  The phrase “Wolverine fights a helicopter” should clue you in that this at least approached the big budget bad movie thrills one hopes for from this sort of train wreck, but it also means enduring the most wilting pansy origin for a super-hero name I have ever seen.

I have such distaste for the film that I shall use Comic Sans in my humorous image, just out of spite.

There are a million places online where you can read scathing reviews of this film, so I’ll be brief.  Here are 4 things I learned from X-Men Origins: Wolverine

1) No man, no matter how long and pretty his fingernails, nor how many HBO sports specials he narrates, will ever look cool bounding on all fours across a battlefield.  He will look stupid.

2) If Ryan Reynolds is in your movie, pay him more money and keep him onscreen for as long as humanly possible.  He is the best thing about your film.  (see also)

Computer graphics approximately equivalent to those in X-Men Origins:Wolverine

3) Whenever someone says “We can’t let you walk away,” what they actually mean is “I am about to totally let you walk away, but several years from now there will be some repercussions for this!”

As a fan of comic books and the X-Men, and sort of Wolverine, there is only one thing I can commend the film on.  They truly nailed that thing that stupid team-up comics always do, where the heroes meet, and fight for no reason, and then decide to fight the bad guy together.  This happens at least three times.  It might actually apply to every single fight scene, but to be sure I would have to watch it again, and I won’t.

I just don’t understand why you had to make this particular Wolverine movie, instead of one where he fights ninjas, or where Robot Wolverine befriends a little girl named Elsie Dee (get it?) who is a bomb.

BAD-BAD <————X——–———–> FUN-BAD

Characters you care about: 1 (Ryan Reynolds)

Bullets sliced in half: 1 (by Ryan Reynolds)

Drinking requirement to enjoy: Heavy

Available on: All over the goddamn place

Every Sunday, I watch a bad movie.  At first it just sort of worked out that way (what a way to end the week!) and now I do it on purpose.  Some of these movies are fun-bad, and some are just atrocious, but there’s always something of value in every bad movie, even if it’s just the hangover, so it is your good luck, dear reader, that I shall be sharing my findings with you! Thanks to the holiday weekend, Bad Movie Monday starts on a Tuesday.  Get over it.

We begin Bad Movie Monday with a little gem called Superstarlet AD. Made in the far flung year 2000 and distributed by Troma, which is usually not a great sign, the movie is certainly better than Babylon AD, or 10,000 BC, both of which probably cost approximately their budgets minus fifty bucks more than Superstarlet AD.

You can watch this “trailer,” but really it will only tell you two things: this movie was actually shot on film, and the filmmakers have a pretty decent sense of humor and strangeness.

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